Second Chances
by witchytara24
Summary: "Dammit, did you not realize that I cried for you every night?"...What happens when past and present collide into a singular moment?


You're sitting in a bar on the outskirts of town, your third drink of the night in your hand. Your not looking to get drunk; your looking to forget. Your looking to forget that she showed up out of nowhere after all those years, like nothing ever happened. The look on her face when she looked at you was almost one of apology. You couldn't control the anger that boiled up inside you when you saw her.

All those years without a word; all those words without a single phone call, a letter. You had to hear through the grapevine that she was back in New York. You had to hear from someone other than her that she was back. You had to hear that she was engaged; that she was Bureau Chief from someone other than her.

You take another gulp of your drink, motioning for the bartender for another glass. He smiles sympathetically and tops your glass off. You swivel around on your chair and look at the couples dancing on the makeshift dance floor. You feel a sad, bitter smile cross your face as you think about the nights you two held each other close; the nights when no words were needed. When the love you two felt for each other was more than enough.

The nights that your bodies became one; when looks and touches were more than enough to communicate what you two felt for each other. You actually believed this time that you found someone who could love you for you; all your flaws and imperfections. Someone who could love you in spite of the burdens that you carried because of your past. The words were never spoken; they never had to be. You both knew that what you felt was more than love; it was a powerful connection of two souls that somehow came together.

Then came the Velez case and, now, even all these years later, is the image that still haunts your nightmares. The image of her bleeding out on the sidewalk; you pleading with her to stay with you. She looked up at you with those blue eyes you loved and smiled that smile you fell in love with all those years ago and closed her eyes.

You take another long drink, trying to forget that night. The night you stayed up all night, crying and rallying at the fates that they took her away from you before you two ever really had a chance. You cried into her pillow, the comforting smell of her making you aware that night how much you had lost. You remember how she looked when you and Elliot were called out to the middle of nowhere; when she stepped out of the car and smiled at the two of you; you felt like you were seeing a ghost. If Elliot hadn't put his hand on your back, you would have fallen over.

You smiled at her, she smiled at you and in that one smile, in the look that you shared, you both knew that you said more than words could ever say. Then she was gone; you were left picking up the pieces of your shattered heart. You tried to go on with your life; but you were never the same. You shut down. Elliot, who knew you better than anyone, tried to get you to talk about her; tried to get you to open up. You brushed him off; you drank more and slept less.

Sleeping meant that you dreamt about her. Sleeping meant that you had to wake up from the dreams that were better than real life; sleeping meant that you would wake up, gasping for breath because you dreamed that she was bleeding out in your hands. You could actually feel the blood seeping through your fingers. You could see her glassy-eyed gaze; you could hear yourself pleading with her to stay with you. You'd wake up and feel the tears coursing down your cheeks, reaching out for her, but of course, she wasn't there.

Sighing, you take another long sip of your drink, watching the couples dance. You feel the tears gather in your eyes, and you blink, turning your stool back around, staring at the melting ice in your drink. You wish that she just would have contacted you; you could have handled she fell in love with someone else; you could have pasted on a smile, wished her congratulations and went out and got shitfaced. Instead, you had to hear it through the fucking grapevine. That's what hurts the most; she couldn't be bothered to tell you herself.

Suddenly, you smell a familiar scent. You'd recognize that scent anywhere. It's a scent only unique to one person. Your heart almost stops as you turn around and see her across the bar. You will yourself to stay seated; not to give into your desires and run over to her, take her into your arms and kiss her senseless. You will not let yourself get hurt again.

"_Maybe if I ignore her, she'll get the hint and go away," _you think as you down your drink and the bartender brings you another one. _"Why is she here, anyways? What does she want? To finish shattering my heart into a million pieces? It's already there."_

You think maybe you've had too much to drink that you imagined her here in a dive bar on the outskirts of the city. That maybe all the whiskey is finally getting to you. You sigh and swirl the drink with your finger, memories flooding you as you sit there.

"Liv?" a quiet voice says behind you, and you blanch, thinking that this is a dream. Then that scent hits you again and you know it's not a dream. You've dreamt of this so many times, but nothing compares to the reality of this moment. You don't say anything and you feel her fingers touch your sleeve. "Liv, can we talk?"

_Liv. _ Only one person can say your name like that and your body reacts. You keep your gaze on your drink, ignoring the weight of her stare and shrug slightly. "I thought you didn't believe in talking. After all, I had to hear through the fucking grapevine that you were back in town."

You hear her sigh and she says quietly, "Please Liv, let me explain."

"Explain what, Alex? That you were named Bureau Chief? Congratulations, by the way. I would have sent a card or flowers, but I didn't know. On your _engagement?" _ you spit the words out. "Congratulations on that, by the way. I would have sent the happy couple a card, but someone couldn't be bothered to tell me herself." You turn your back to her, hiding your face so she doesn't see the tears that have suddenly come into your eyes.

She sighs and says quietly, "It's complicated."

"Everything is complicated with you."

She grins slightly at that, and in that one half grin, you will your heart to not shatter. "Liv, I never meant to hurt you. Everything was just….complicated."

"I swear to Christ, Alex, if you say it's complicated one more time, I'm going to scream. I'm not just some dumb beat cop. Explain things to me. Explain to me how you can be engaged when we shared everything together. I thought we had something special. But I guess I was just another notch on your way to the top. Sleep with the detective; she's too dumb to know any different."

She looks at you, fire in those ice blue eyes that you love (_loved, _you say to yourself) and hisses. "I never looked at you like that. You were the one person who could see inside me; see past the bullshit. Do you know how much you scared me? The great Alexandra Cabot, scared. Scared of her feelings for the one woman who could see inside her soul. Do you know that I thought it was a sign of weakness when you had me at a loss of words? I make my living with words; I make my living convincing jurors and judges that they need to put people away. Yet, I couldn't put my feelings for you into words."

You look at her, and shake your head. "You could have said _something_. You could have let me of all people you were back in the city. Dammit Alex, you were the first person I ever opened up to; you were the first person I though lov….cared about me enough to look past my past and see the person I am now." You take a long drink and look over at her. "But I guess it wasn't enough. Just like everyone else, you left."

She sighs and you can hear her irritation in that sigh and you feel your anger flare up. She has no right to be irritated at anything. "You leave, come back and waltz in like no time had ever passed. Dammit, Alex, I cried every night for years after you left; I went undercover just so I didn't have to remember you. I tried to forget you. " Your voice breaks. "I tried so hard to forget what we had."

"Did you?" she asks so quietly that you could have missed the question.

You laugh mirthlessly. "What do you think?" you motion to your drink. "I drink to forget you. Yet, here you are. So you tell me."

She sighs and you risk a glance over at her. You see a different Alex Cabot in front of you. Not the idealistic ADA you met all those years ago. In front of you is a broken Alex; a tired, worn out Alex. You feel your heart soften, but yet you remain wary. "Why are you here?"

"I….I don't know. I just knew I had to see you."

"Why aren't you with your _fiancé?_" you spit the words out.

She looks at you, sadness etched on her face. "I broke it off with him."

You look at her, eyebrow raised. "Why? He's your ticket to the top."

She slams her hand on the bar, and you jump. "I don't care about the top. I don't care about the Governor's mansion anymore; I don't care about running for Senate. When a person has to go into hiding; when a person has to lose their identity and become someone new, you reevaluate your priorities." She sighs and stands up. "I thought maybe I could explain my side, maybe get you to understand."

"Understand what? That you left and came back and left again without so much a word. Dammit Alex, I still have nightmares about you bleeding out in my hands. I still have nightmares of you lying on that sidewalk. I still have dreams where you died." You finish the rest of your drink in one long swallow. "Dammit Alex, I lov…loved you and it didn't matter "your voice breaks. "I loved you and like everyone else, you left me."

She stands up and walks over to you, standing in front of you. "I never wanted to leave you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. I had to go into hiding."

"It wasn't the hiding; it was hearing about the engagement. You know, I was getting ready to ask you to marry me before this all happened. All I wanted to do was make you mine. Now…now your someone else's."

"I was never anyone else's but yours."

You look at her and blink, and you sigh."Then why not tell me you were back? You know how hard it was all these years seeing your face everywhere I turned? How you haunted my every waking moment?"

"Your all I ever thought about while I was in WitSec. Every second of everyday. Even when I was lying in bed with Thomas, you were the one I thought about. You were the one I wanted to be with." She places her hand over yours and you fight the urge to pull away, unsure where this is going.

"Liv…" she says quietly and you glance up at her and in that moment, you see the woman you've loved for all these years staring back at you. The woman you never stopped loving, even when you convinced yourself otherwise. "I never stopped loving you. I never stopped wanting you. You were the reason I came back."

You blink and the tears that have been threatening to come out spill down your cheeks. She brushes them away with her thumb and you pull away. She pulls back and says quietly, "I know you don't believe I won't run away again. Give me a chance to prove myself, that's all I ask. Give me a chance to prove how much I love you. I loved you from the moment I saw you; I loved you for all the years I was in WitSec; you're the one I always wanted to be with. Let me prove this to you every day for the rest of our lives."

Before you can respond, she looks at you. "Dance with me."

You look at her, surprised. "What?"

"Dance with me."

You shake your head and she says quietly, "Please?"

You look at her and find yourself staring into the eyes you missed so much. Those blue eyes that could always cut into your soul. You nod and stand up, swaying slightly. She chuckles softly and takes your hand, leading you out to the dance floor.

She places her hand lightly on your back and you stiffen before relaxing slightly. She chuckles again and says quietly, "I never stopped loving you. It took all my willpower to come find you tonight. I knew I owed you an explanation."

Slowly, you begin to move in time with her. A soft ballad plays in the background as you look up at her. "Alex…." you say softly, her name a mere plea on your lips.

Before she can respond, you do the one thing you've been dreaming of doing for all these years.

You kiss her.

In that kiss, everything that has been missing in your world is back in place. All the pieces fall back into place. You hear her sigh against your lips and you think how perfectly the two of you still fit together. She deepens the kiss and you whimper softly as she pulls you even closer, so there is not an inch between you two. After what seems like an eternity, you pull back and she looks at you, a glazed look in her eyes.

You chuckle softly and say quietly, "This doesn't mean I forgive you quite yet."

She looks at you imploringly and says quietly, "I will spend the rest of our lives trying to make up for all the pain I've caused you. I never meant to hurt you."

You don't say anything, just lean up and brush your lips across hers again. That simple kiss says more than words ever could. She smiles and rests her forehead against yours, saying softly. "I love you."

"Still, after all these years?"

"Always."

"


End file.
